Set Adrift

When a transatlantic liner sinks an Indian boy finds himself lost at sea with a bunch of his father’s not-so friendly zoo animals in Ang Lee’s whimsical adaptation of best seller Life of Pi. Our protagonist’s desperate struggle to survive his various misadventures is lusciously painted by Lee with some quite stunning CGi sequences, cinematography and his trademark confidently languid direction and buoying this lushness is an excellent performance from his young lead and two solid supporting turns. However despite (as far as I can remember) sticking quite closely to the events of the original novel it seems to have lost it’s edge allowing a slightly sickly sentiment into the script and subsequent performances or maybe it’s just leakage from the dazzling, knowing beauty of the film that seems to have softened some of the harshness out of this tale. Another classy Lee film that’s definitely a spectacle.

Kirk Douglas’ gurning and grinning performance as the archetypal man adrift, Ulysses, in the 1954 adaptation sets the tone for a lurid, cheap and cheerful retelling of Homer’s classic saga. The obvious highlights of Polyphemus, Circe & Tiresias are included in the adventure and though it’s budgetary restraints are always evident it’s swept along with some tidy direction and a bucket load of brio with Douglas accompanied by the similarly ‘large’ actor Antony Quinn. It’s good, frothy adventuring for the most part and even musters some menace for the final scene but it like, Life of Pi, lacks the emotional depth or boldness to address the darker aspects to the tale. Apparently this film kicked off the Italian Peplum industry that churned out innumerable sword and sandal epics and I can see why, old fashioned, quite good fun.

Scifi Scenery

Twisted horror/comedy John Dies At the End gets butchered down into a reasonably successful 90mins by  Don “Phantasm” Coscarelli.Two slackers get drawn into some fantastical hijinks after ingesting an other-worldly drug called Soy Sauce and fumble about dodging death and some unsavoury and unusual characters. The dark, deadpan wit of the novel is mostly intact and there’s a lovely grubby sheen to the production but the sfx occasionally betray its low budget and the plot’s over simplification is at times baffling with some of the funnier, weirder scenes omitted, still a pleasantly offbeat slice of nonsense.
There’s more juice in the recent adaptation of Dredd with plenty of eye popping action decorating it’s deliberately straightforward plot. Karl Urban stars as the titular antihero who, whilst indoctrinating a rookie into the world of instant justice in a degenerate, over populated future, gets trapped in a drug lord’s tower block and a brutal slaughtering ensues. The unabashed action and perfunctory script keep things ticking along nicely and the modest introduction of the comic’s key elements nicely set up a sequel or two. It’s a shame then that despite it’s charms it bombed at the box office.

Drivelling Low Lights

Sometimes even I am surprised by the lazy, craptaculars that get churned out by Hollywood machine these days but Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was quite astonishing in it’s vacant, soulless idiocy. Retelling the story of an American hero with some fang action thrown in probably seemed a good idea on paper but it’s a pitiful, by the numbers plotted pile of steaming dung that has literally no redeeming merits and will no doubt be an endless source of embarrassment for the director Bekmambetov, producer Burton and the talented cast including Brits Sewell and Cooper. Avoid.

Resident Evil: Retribution is a similarly crummy action flick with Jovovich and Anderson seemingly deluded into thinking that there’s mileage left in this weary franchise. Seguing directly from the 4th the action starts with Alice rescued/kidnapped from the wreckage of aircraft carrier by the Umbrella Corp and her subsequent monster stomping escape. Paper thin characters stumble through predictable set pieces with the usual fan favourite critters making intermittent appearances and though I’ve nothing against the games or some of the earlier film efforts this is a complete waste of celluloid that’s neither scary, thrilling, inventive nor even that grisly

Cockamamie 70's

I was unaware that Bruce Lee had written a script shortly before his death but I'm pretty sure that Circle of Iron wasn't quite what the film he had in mind. The film opens with a martial arts contest with the competitors vying for the opportunity to read a book of wisdom hidden from the rest of the world. The loser of the final bout follows the victor on his travels to the books hiding place and takes on the quest when his chum carks it early on. The script and acting are painfully piss poor especially from the muscle bound lead, Jeff Cooper (who sports a 'do that scuppers any of attempts at profundity) and David Carradine's multiple turns aren't much better but worst of all the plot is a lumpy mish mash of Eastern thought that I'm sure doesn't reflect Lee's intention or ambitions. Only worth watching if you want to see something spectacularly bad.

Dr Black, Mr Hyde is a blaxploitation-era version of RLS's classic tale and despite it's obvious budget constraints manages a half decent job. Our protagonist is developing a cure for liver disease but under pressure for results takes a dose himself and finds the side effects of super strength and (amusingly unconvincing) honkeydom quite exhilarating and predictably chaos reigns as family, friends and colleagues feel the wrath of this changed man. Though the script and plot are decidedly of it's era Bernie Casey is surprisingly good and all in all I quite enjoyed it. Not exactly a classic but if you want something with a little period charm there's worse out there.

Supercharged Actioneering

The Man from Nowhere is a prime example of Korea's commitment to making blistering action thrillers that make their Western counterparts seem tame and toothless in comparison. Quietly running a pawn shop since the death of his wife our retired special forces protagonist is forced to dust off his deadly skill set when his neighbour's daughter is kidnapped by gangsters. Though the set up is brief and fairly hackneyed there's some heart to the script and some wry humour which go some of the way in alleviating the unrelenting violence as the hero spends 70 mins or so of the film smashing, snapping and pummelling his way through a slew of henchmen enroute to a very, very bloody finale. Brilliant but definitely not for the fainthearted.

The Raid: Redemption is an Indonesian film about a SWAT team attempting to clear a tower block that's firmly under the control of a drug lord and unsurprisingly things get very messy, very fast. The plot is paper thin and there's only the vaguest attempt at characterisation as this film is all about the action and bedlam and what a cornucopia of action is offered. I can't think of a single film which can match the ferocity, the merciless brutality of the violence on offer here as the squad shoot, hack, slice, punch, kick and gouge their way to the top. The action is beautifully choreographed, nicely shot but it's the incessant pace that's jaw dropping, literally breath taking and you'll find yourself, like me, unable to look away till it's conclusion. If you thought Man from Nowhere was too light and frothy try this instead, you won't be disappointed.

Sloppy Seconds

Sequels are always tricky and seldom successful but given my fondness for the original anime I was quite looking forward to the second Gantz film, Perfect Answer. If you haven't seen the first film there's a mysterious black ball that's resurrecting citizens of Toyko to battle aliens in gory, tech assisted, head popping combat, some die and some survive but no-one's really sure what's actually going on. The sequel rejoins the squad as they endeavour to cash in their accumulated points to bring their chums back to life and although it still looks great and the acting is reasonable enough the insane fight scenes have been toned down and most of the (overlong) film is frittered away on exposition and explanation. Maybe if they'd decided on a trilogy of live action films they could've done the source material justice rather than cram the remaining plot into this uneven, fumbled finale.

More glossy action festoons Wrath of the Titans the follow up to the mediocre Clash. The wooden Worthington returns as Perseus who has to rescue Neeson's Zeus from the clutches of his demented brother Hades and his own snotty son Aries. Like before the shiny sfx and monster bashing action are supposed to distract from the papery plot and the by-the-numbers script but it's so crushingly formulaic and just plain dull I had to try hard to get the end. Given the richness of Greek myths it's quite depressing that instead of continuing Perseus' story post Kraken or even adapting the story of another hero like Bellerophon or Cadmus they thought they'd should cobble something together.

Tversity Trinkets

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is a startling mediocre slice of big budget quiche. Tom and co are disavowed by the government after Kremlin kerfuffle and have to hoon about on their own, infiltrating & subterfuging in order to clear their names and save to world. Pegg returns along with the Tom Cruise-bot and the bow guy from Avengers and they all burble their way through a simplistic, by the numbers script making weak, ill judged jokes to pass the time between the set pieces. No shortage of budget but a complete lack of imagination - shiny dross.

Sam Shepard stars as an aging Butch Cassidy in the elegiac western Blackthorn. After faking his own death at the height of his career Butch slips into Boliva for a quiet life breeding horses but years later yearns to return to the States to see his remaining family, after being joined by an affable Spaniard however his plans soon fall apart. Though the plot is paper thin it's a beautifully crafted film with a thoughtful, restrained script and some excellent performances from Shepherd, Rea and Noreiga.

Northern Delights

Norwegian Ninja is a very odd alt-history dramatisation of the life of a Norwegian politician/spy, Arne Treholt, who was convicted of treason for selling secrets to the KGB. In this whimsical, highly silly retelling of his story however he's a spiritually gifted leader of an anti-terrorist squad of Ninja warriors who'll fight anyone threatening the Norwegian way of life. Playing out like a cross between a Wes Anderson film and some sub par 80's actioner like No Retreat all festooned with some ironically bad special effects and retro stylings. It's quite an entertaining 80 mins, sure I probably only got 50% of the jokes and had never heard of the main character but if you're looking for something quirky and offbeat you could do a lot worse than this.

Kin Dza Dza! sees a mismatched pair of Moscovites get catapulted to the far side of the universe by a homeless man they tried to help one morning and struggle through a baffling series of adventures searching for a way home. The acting is pretty good and it's a surprisingly effective scifi comedy mash that manages to mix in plenty of satirical pokes at class and conformity all topped with a silly yet dry sense of humour. Like Ninja above there was a few laughs that were beyond me but it's a very funny, charming Soviet scifi.

Whedon's Groove

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Trenchant Trenchard Bs

Hunting humans was a well worn trope even by the 80's but Turkey Shoot's gleeful attitude adds plenty of, er, vigour to the usual proceedings. A gaggle of 'deviants' are interred in a brutal, dystopic prison after getting softened up by a vicious-yet-camp warden are soon chosen to become the prey for a bunch of blood hungry elites. Throw in some gratuitous nudity, visceral almost relentless violence and a random lycanthrope and the things get dumb and ugly fast. Sure the acting, script and plot are solidly B-movie quality and it's made on a shoestring but director Brian Trenchard-Smith keeps things bubbling over and somehow it ends up lots and lots of brainless fun.


Four years later and Trenchard-Smith was back with another, even madder, scifi dystopia called Dead-End Drive In. Society is crumbling fast and while violence and disorder paint the streets a young hoon takes his girlfriend to an old fashioned drive in only to discover it's some sort of weird, government sponsored honey trap/prison from which there's no escape. The couple take divergent views on their uncouth neighbours and their future but it's not long before the tentative peace is disrupted by escape attempts and an influx of Asian 'immigrants'. While Turkey was unabashed nonsense the ham fisted attempt to shoehorn satire into the barmy plot means there's a less time for the requisite sex and violence.

Glum Vs Gaudy

Thomas Alfredson's condensed adaptation of Le Carre's classic spy thriller Tinker Tailor was a surprising success. With an accomplished, talented cast including Cumberbatch, Hardy, Jones, Firth and Oldman and an impressive script the tale of Smiley's mole hunt unravels at a deliberate pace that slowly winds the tension up towards the big reveal. Obviously the book and the original have a level of detail you can't squeeze into a 2 hour movie but they've crafted a pretty strong version which, along with the superb cinematography, will no doubt garner plenty of awards. Hopefully they'll do The Honorable Schoolboy next instead of jumping straight to Smiley's People like the Beeb did.

Director Tarsem Singh's previous efforts The Cell and The Fall were beautifully lush films but paper-thin and Immortals, based loosely on the Greek myth of Theseus, follows that same pattern. Our protagonist is forced into taking up arms when the evil king Hyperion ravages his land in search of a fabled bow with which he can release the Titans. Rourke, Dorff and Cavill are joined by the luminous Pinto in the super glossy sword and sandals action and they all manage to put in good performances however the script is fairly week and the Titans themselves a little, er, underwhelming so the whole thing kind of fizzles out at the end, of course there's a fat hint towards a sequel but I guess that'll depend on the box office. Despite all it's flaws I still quite enjoyed it, think Clash of the Titans with a God of War commitment to stylish violence and hyperbolic visuals.

A Tale of Two Remakes

It's hard to imagine but somehow the remake of Conan makes the Milius/Arnie version seem Oscar worthy. Sure the remake has more and better staged swordplay, bloodletting and Ron Perlman in it's favour but it just can't match the atmosphere of the original and it all plays out like a fey EA video game. As you'd expect the plot doesn't amount to much; Conan is orphaned & wanders the planet until picking up the scent of his nemesis and his freaky witch daughter while they hunt for some pure blood maiden. Maybe with a lead actor who didn't look empty & lost and a bit more conviction to string things out for more than it's 100mins this might have been worth a look. As it stands I wouldn't waste your time.

However Fright Night, another 80's remake, shows how it's done and manages to surpass the original with gusto. Funnier, bloodier and better acted than the McDowell version this shows what can be done with a little common sense. Former nerd Charley and his girlfriend end up in some bother when the new neighbour turns out to be cleaning the town of pesky kids with liberal fang use and they enlist the help of a jaded, faux vampire hunter. With Toni Collette, David Tenant and Colin Farrell all turning in excellent performances and the script rattling along with plenty of laughs this hokey 80's number has been regurgitated as a funny, richly dark, highly enjoyable addition to the canon of vampire flicks.

Mechanical Men

Michael Winner directs Charlie Bronson in The Mechanic, probably the campest hit man thriller I've ever seen. Bronson plays Bishop an aging assassin who takes the young handsome son of his friend/victim, played by Jan under his wing and starts to train in him the arts of discreet murdering. It's all built around the weird ambiguous master/student relationship between the two men with seemingly loving glances passing between the two throughout and I guess the florid 70's styling doesn't exactly help. Regardless it's still a good, surprisingly intelligent, film with some genuine tension as well as the requisite action and it's got a sharp, bitter finale. Ha, according to WikiP the original director & screenwriter had intended the two men to be romantically involved but they couldn't get the project greenlit with the gayness left in. Anyways watch it for yourself below.


Fast forward 39 years and The Mechanic get it's inevitable Hollywood facelift. Jason Statham kicks/punches/gurns his way through this glossy reworking and despite the contemporary trend for dumbing down there's still a glimmer of the originals intelligence. Statham plays mentor to Ben Foster's novice with Sutherland Snr cameoing and all put in admirable efforts given the slim, mediocre script but worst of all though the film eschews the ponderous pacing of the original and cranks up the action and violent death so much so it's soon an unremarkable, forgettable slice of action pie. Still if you just want some shiny fighty distraction it will suffice and Statham has become one of the more dependable leads for this sort of thing and hey at least he's not a wrestler/cage fighter or Vinnie Jones.

Miike Magic & The Brothers Dim

Takashi Miike is a film director with few equals, imaginative, highly prolific and always willing to push boundaries but his latest 13 Assassins is, ostensibly, a more traditional Japanese tale of honour and samurais based on a 1963 film of the same name. The cruel and vindictive brother of the Shogun inspires men of honour to assemble and craft a plan to kill him as he travels through the countryside and they choose a lowly village for their confrontation. Though it takes it's time to get going it's superbly acted and scripted and once it sheds it's stately pace what follows is a jaw droppingly brutal onslaught of dismemberment, gorings and blood letting that left me somewhat dazed. Miike's next Samurai rework, called Harakiri, is in 3D and will apparently debut at this years Cannes festival and I'm sure it'll be another accomplished thunderbolt of ultraviolence.


The Farrelly Bros are famed for their commitment to crass, low brow comedy and they've certainly made some chucklesome films over the years but Hall Pass sees them drift into sub par Apatow territory with a film about couples taking leave from their marriage vows for a week. The assembled cast all have reasonable comedy chops but all seem mis-cast in their roles and the script is pretty flat and sanitised so the laughs are sadly thin on the ground. I'm sure it'll do well in the multiplexes but I'd have rather rewatched Kingpin or Mary than sit through this wasted opportunity.

Hollywood Sucks Baws

Michel Gondry sucks in his strangeness while directing The Green Hornet - a reimagining of the TV show that brought Bruce Lee to the world's attention. Seth Rogen wrote the script and stars, unsuccessfully, as the playboy who takes up vigilantism after his industrialist Pa dies and he inherits the $ and his Pa's former coffee, kung fu & cars man servant Kato. It's not terrible, there's a few good lines & some touches of visual flair as the duo smash and crash about the city but it's so unremarkable and bland its hard to remember much about it after just 24 hrs. A waste of the not inconsiderable talents involved.

Paul is a fairly colossal cloud of guff - SOTD was funny and Hot Fuzz less so but still quite charming. Paul on the other hand has minimal charm and relies almost soley on dick/fart/pot jokes and unsubtle geek references for it's laughs. Two nerds pick up a foul mouthed alien after leaving comic con and get involved in a Starman-ripoff romp across the States to help him meet his Mothership. It does have it's moments but it's so unoriginal and the jokes so tawdry I was increasingly depressed and frankly a bit embarrassed by the end. Pegg and Frost need to extract themselves from the Hollywood machine before their talents are completely sanitised.

Choo Choo & Chan

Tony Scott's films, just like his brother's, have a unique visual signature and Unstoppable drips with more of the same shiny, saturated, hyperkinetic style that you can see in Domino or Deja Vu. Anyways his latest Hollywoody thriller follows two train drivers attempts to stop a explosive runaway train from going boom - one's old and black the other white, young and troubled, the big suits are bad but there's some quirky locals on hand to help blah blah blah. It's well made product and Denzel and New Kirk do fine but essentially it's just nicely shot, polished cardboard straight from the factory floor.

Project A is one of Jackie Chan's ambitious period-set romps that really demonstrate all his talents; there's laughs, plenty of fu, pretty ladies, nods to classic comedians and of course some utterly insane stunts. It's maybe not quite as enjoyable as Eagle's Shadow or Drunken Master but this is still awesome late night entertainment.

Mutes

Valhalla Rising is a stylish bloody barbarian-esque fable about the travels of a mean, one-eyed mute who kills people real well and sees the future. Filmed here in Scotland it's all inky skies and bleak landscapes, bad trips and more than a few violent deaths. The acting is pretty good but some of the sparse dialogue is weak and in my opinion it all splutters towards a mediocre end. I did enjoy it and it's a refreshing change from the usual sword and sorcery Xena-tat but I'd prefer a bit more meat on such lovely bones.

There's a streak of black comedy running through Mute Witness that helps round out what's essentially a ridiculous thriller. A mute girl working as a makeup girl on a crappy Russian horror movie gets locked in the studio overnight and gets involved in a cat and mouse game with a pair of snuff movie dudes. For a one trick pony it surprisingly tense before it descends into farce, plot twists and bloody laughs, it also features a bizarre cameo from Alec Guinness as the kingpin and a woman from Cold Feet as the sister. It's dated and a bit silly but I still kinda liked it - looks like someone else has faith as it's slated for a remake.

No Brain Required

Dinner for Schmucks is one of those cruel-but-kind comedies that have become the norm since Apatow came on the scene. The wafer thin plot sees a desperate for promotion exec, played by Paul Rudd, who accepts the challenge of finding a dingbat oddball to compete in his boss' monthly competition for biggest idiot. It boasts an impressive cast of comedic actors (excluding Walliams obviously) and there are laughs throughout but this is decidely lowbrow entertainment and most of the gags are mined at the expense of the cartoonish schmucks the film revolves around. Funny while watching I wondered if it was based on some old British farce but it turns out it's a remake of a Frenchy film Le Diner De Cons which I'd put money on being funnier.


The Warrior's Way though mildly entertaining is as dumb as a bag of spanners. Unashamedly nothing more than a glossy, guns 'n' swords actioner that eschews any trace of substance for buckets of crazy CGI stylized super violence. Plotwise it's a mishmash of Shogun Assassin & 7 Samurai with the No.1 Swordsman escaping to the Wild West after rescuing a baby girl only to have to defend themselves and some locals from hordes of enemies old and new. Some Korean dude stars as the killer with a heart and he's joined in the nonsense by Kate Bosworth, Danny Huston and Geoffrey Rush. Sure some of the fight scenes are nifty but it's so vapid it makes Casshern look like King Lear.

The Devil & Something Sharp

The Last Exorcism is a mock-doc horror film about a fraudulent preacher who takes a film crew to a hillbilly demon cleansing. It's pretty average fare; the acting is decent enough but it's not scary in the slightest and the few wisps of atmosphere it creates are squandered with a really clumsy finale.

The Grindhouse double bill that came out a few years ago was hit & miss so I wasn't sure what to expect from Machete, a film first featured as one of the trailers between the original double. Rodriguez has ditched the pretentious print aging and missing scenes that blighted PT & DP and has concentrated on crafting a gleefully violent, retro action thriller that's highly enjoyable. Trejo is suitably wooden but is blessed with plenty of screen presence and is helped along by Alba, Fahey, De Niro & Seagal.

Truly Expendable & School Jazz Chops

The Expendables is as dumb as you'd imagine but, sadly, not quite as enjoyable as you'd expect - an ensemble cast of actioneers old and new seemed like a great idea but it's a bit of a turkey and a campy one at that. Sly and his muscley mates take on a corrupt Southern American dictator in 90 mins of mangled dialogue, incoherent plotting, obvious face-offs and worst of all lazy, lacklustre action scenes.



Chops is a heart warming documentary bout a high school jazz band preparing for a prestigious jazz competition run by Wynton Marsalis. The film focuses on a school from Jacksonville, Florida as they start to learn the Ellington pieces required for the comp and straight off the standard of playing is pretty amazing but it's after they get a visit from Ron Carter that they really start to swing.